“There are many truths of which the full meaning cannot be realized until personal experience has brought it home." ~John Stuart Mill

Looking back in my files I found this old blog post from a few years back. It's interesting to look back at our journey and see where we were and where we are now...

My mindset is so much better now than at this time. I have made a lot of progress towards where I want to be. I'm glad I wrote this post- it serves as a reminder of how far I have come.

So…today has been a day of emotions maybe you could say. I started out feeling stuck. I’ve been stuck…like in quick sand- my head sticking out just enough so I don’t suffocate- but still stuck- for a bit now. I have been trying so many things to get unstuck- I watch training calls- I read books- I listen to pod casts- I watch interviews- I make lists- I try and learn to meditate- I am doing all of the things I can think of…but to not much avail. Still stuck.

I believe in chance/fate/whatever you call it…so the progression of today I think is relevant. I wake up with a headache- my arm is messed up- I slept on it wrong- so it’s worse when I wake up- makes me feel crappy- I decide after I get up and take care of the animals to take some aspirin and take a short nap to let it work. My husband says something to me about a nap- and I snap at him- what I heard and what he said might not have been the same thing.

After my half hour nap I feel better. I get on my computer and see a live that Mike C. does about baggage. I think a lot about what baggage I need to lose…my wheels are spinning…

I get up and decide to go run some errands- my husband decides he’s coming with me. Now we all know the situation right now- the quarantine thing- we do not run errands right now unless we must- today we must. He wants to go. So I wait- he showers and dillydallies – he’s slower than a teen age girl. He’s finally ready- I’m in a shitty mood.

Off we go- my mood stays the same- all I can think is I should have gone alone- why did he have to come with me- etc…bitch mode I guess.

We do the errands- wearing our masks- sanitizing constantly- snapping at each other- not a fun time.

We get home…bring stuff in- I sit at my computer in time to watch a zoom call Randy S. does. I listen to it. I relate but again- can’t put my finger on stuff…this has been my mo for the last couple of months- I feel like I almost have it- I almost get it- but something is missing and I don’t know what or how to figure out what it is.

My husband of course wants to go on a bike ride while I am listening to Randy’s call- I go with him- my earphones on. My husband rides ahead- which is what I want- I feel like staying behind- listening- trying to figure shit out.

We get back from the ride- I finish listening to the call and think I want to talk. I tell my husband I am so stuck. He says you are not. I go on to tell him all the reasons I am- we argue a bit- I go out to clean stalls and cry a bit. I hate it- it’s such a girl thing- but tears look weak but they are really a release- I shed tears instead of punching a wall or a bag I guess…but it feels weak.

A bit later my husband comes out- now he is not the deepest thinker in the world- he’s pretty black and white- has tons of common sense- he has taken the time to think on the issues I told him I was having. Now I should have been appreciative but instead all my mind did was say no- no- no to his idea. I said he didn’t really hear what I was saying or listen to my problem. What I missed was the fact he tried- he did hear me- he did put thought into it and came out to try and help me.

After a not so productive conversation- I went back to the Tony Robbins video I was listening to- he was talking about how we all have a story- a reason we do not succeed. I was digesting all of this info.

All of this time- I am thinking…as I have been…why…why can I not make a change or turn this corner I want to? I start going over and over things in my mind.

Then I get a text from our mechanic- my car is ready. The estimate was $500. As is normal- other things happen and the bill ends up being $755. Ok…I was prepared for that. I then call him to pay the bill. I had put money into another checking account for the car and some other things. This is my idea of planning- the money gets put there so it doesn’t get sucked into a hay bill or some other unexpected thing- anyway- he says the card was declined- I said nope- should be good- turns out there was an unexpected part needed that made the bill go up another $100. So why am I telling you this? After this happened I realized THIS is MY STORY. Just enough. I always find a way. I get it done- I make it work…I have just enough…but never more. I want to move from just enough- getting by- I always considered myself lucky- I say wow- crazy that my heater broke- the bill was $4500 and I just got a pony leased for $5000. Wow…how lucky am I? But that’s it…that’s who I identify with…that’s how I see myself. I have just enough.

Go back a long time…I lived at home until I was in my early 20’s. I rode horses for my father…but had no idea of money. I remember back then someone saying “what do you think is poverty level”…I said “$50,000”…why? I knew back then my dad made $150,000…we lived in a crappy house (like really crappy)…I figured if we made that much money and lived that way- $50k had to be poverty. I also remember times we had no money for groceries- but I was allowed to go to a horse show that cost hundreds of dollars- I quickly learned that me winning and getting the prize money to pay my way was important- winning allowed me to show. I never thought about it- I just knew how to get by.

Many years later- I was kicked out of the house (step mom issues)…I moved in with my BF for a bit- then found a farm for rent- I had no money- no job- no money on the horizon- but I went to the local bank (back when banks lent money easily) and borrowed $2,500. Enough to pay the first month’s rent- security and buy some gates and buckets. I had no idea how I was going to pay the second month’s rent- but I figured I’d figure it out later. I did. I got customers- I stayed there for the next 7 years. I then sold a horse for a lot of money and moved (bought him for $2,300 and sold him for $185,000). Seemed like a lot of money but was really a very negative thing- that’s another story.

So…fast forward a lot- many years- I started the magazine. This was on a whim. I lived with someone and really had no bills. I had $3,000 to my name and thought this was enough…it wasn’t- but in the end I did make it…for 15 years. I figured out a way. I made it work…again- that was my MO- I got it done- I made it work- I had JUST enough.

So we get to now. I started with Kannaway a year ago. I use the products and believe 10,000 percent in them- they work! I know the 10 steps for success…and the belief one I think I am good on- then I realize my belief is in the product- not myself. You see when my business tanked after 15 years- it was like a punch in my face. I had always thought I could do anything- I could will anything to happen- it always worked out- I made it happen- when my magazine failed and I finally had to declare bankruptcy – it took all the wind out of my sails. I couldn’t will my way out of this.

So for the last 2 years- I’ve felt like I’m in the ocean- in rough waves- I keep getting rolled around- I come up to the top for air just enough to stay alive- but it’s never more than that…I’m just staying alive- never getting ahead.

My goal is to do better than this. I want to change all of this. I want to stop identifying with the person I am- the one that has “just enough”…I’m not sure if I just don’t know how- or do I not think I deserve it…I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am luckily surrounded by others that have done it- they prove it can be done…but I need to find my way. I have no idea yet what my way is…maybe I am following Edison’s path of many failures until I find the right way- I’m not sure. I do know failure is not an option. I might stop- I might rest- I might cry- I make take a few steps back- but failing or quitting is not an option. The solution/path is there- it’s right in front of me…I just need to look at it differently and see how it applies to me. I will not quit. I will not give up. I will find the key and then I will help others that feel as lost as I do. If I was lazy and sat on the couch all day- I’d feel I deserved this place I’m in- but I don’t- I know these things are lessons- I’m just having trouble seeing the light- but I will. I will get up again- I will succeed- I will not quit…